Hi! I ́m Alejandro Lleó and I will explane you the book that I wrote: A weird illness, a young scientists group, and a time machine, do you believe in happy endings? The characters first met were in the MIT University because they study there and they made friends, do you want to know them? , they are the characters from my story: -Peter: Tall, curly and blond hair, funny and friendly. -Jonathan: Medium tall, a short and black hair and boor. -Jerry: An English man, short tall and long hair. -Mike: The new of the University, friendly, medium tall. Want to save the life of Fernando, an Argentinian man, tall, blond and long hair and a very good friend that he was diagnosed at 20 years old from ALS, and the cure will be done at 2020. The time machine designed by them will allow them to travel to the future and get the cure of this disease. But they will have problems because a wair broke and they will go to another years that they don ́t need to go. In August 2014 i knew in social networks the #IceBucketChallenge trending topic, it was a way to collect money for ALS fundation. I thought that was the moment to write a book to raise awareness about the importance of publish and giving to know this type of diseases. When I knew this desease my life changed, I knew wonderful people that they fight day by day to survive, and always have a smile to give me. So I thought I had to do something to help them. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), also known as Lou Gehrig's disease, is a neurodegenerative disease that affects the motor neurons of the brain, brainstem and spinal cord, which are the cells responsible for transmitting the order of voluntary movement of the brain to the muscles. I ́ve been studying during four years all about this degenerative illness and the work done in this foundation. All dates on the disease were contrasted in my book, but I want call the attention of young people, so I decided to write a science fiction novel. This isn ́t my first novel for teenagers, I need sensensitize the youth, because they are our present and more important, they will be our future, so they will have the key of the time machine. “The novel overflow sensitivity in a world where people meet without looking at each other ́s face.” I hope that you already know that all the people deserve an opportunity to try to survive. The prupose of my book is to collect money to donate at ALS ́investigation. I hope you enjoy. click here
4 Comentarios
Jaesen Casey
4/23/2018 09:41:45 am
The way you introduce the characters doesn't flow as well as it could. We don't use phrases like short tall, or medium tall. We tend to just say that a person is average height. Also, "Hi! I ́m Alejandro Lleó and I will explane you the book that I wrote" would sound more correct if you put something like, "Hi, I'm Alejandro and here's a short explanation of the book I wrote:" And instead of using the phrase "The new of the University" Maybe just put, "New to the university". I think the story is a good concept, but i feel like you got off track while explaining the basics of it. Typically we don't list the characters, we'd try to introduce them in a paragraph that ties it all together. So instead of listing their traits, try to condense it into one flowing paragraph. I can tell you're dedicated to the topic and it's great that you're trying to get the youth involved, so just keep working on it and try to focus on one thing rather than jump from section to section.
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Zuri O'Dee
4/23/2018 09:45:27 am
I loved your story a lot and the way you used details was great. There could be a few changes made however. The thing I would correct you on is your spelling and not everything cognates together with English words. Also when you use "I" make sure it's always capitalized in your sentences. Another thing you could do is break up the descriptions better.
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Taetum D.
4/23/2018 09:46:19 am
Hello! Your story and the message you are trying to convey is amazing, though you do have a few errors in some spelling and the way you have worded a few sentences is a little off. For example, in your second paragraph where you are describing the character Jerry, it makes more sense in English if you say "A short English man with long hair.". And the same for the rest of the descriptions for your characters. You also had a few spelling errors, "boor" is actually "bore", and "explane" should be "explain". In your third paragraph you have written the sentence, "But they will have problems because a wair broke and they will go to another years that they don't need to go.", I am going to write this sentence in a way that would be easier to understand. " But they will have some problems because a wire broke which will cause them to travel into the future further than necessary.". You do still have a few more misspelled words and sentences that could be rephrased, but I hope that with what feedback I have given you you will be able to fix the rest on your own. All in all I really do like your story and I think that with some changes it could be even better!
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Samantha Haynes
4/23/2018 10:37:34 am
Hello! I really enjoyed reading your story and liked the message you are trying to get across to the readers, although there are a few grammar mistakes woven throughout the text. To begin with, there are many run-on sentences, which are sentences that contain too many ideas; for example, "A weird illness, a young scientists group, and a time machine, do you believe in happy endings?" This is a run-on sentence. In order to prevent this when writing, separate your ideas with periods and write it the way you would read it; when you take a break when talking and begin a second idea, that is the cue in which a period or semi-colon should be placed. The corrected version of this sentence should be something like: "A weird illness, a young scientist's group, and a time machine. Do you believe in happy endings?" If you noticed an apostrophe in the word "scientist's," this shows possessiveness, which means that the scientist owns whatever is followed after it. So in this situation, the scientist owns the group; unless they are a group of scientists that own the group, then it would be "scientists'." Another example of a run-on sentence is: "The characters first met were in the MIT University because they study there and they made friends, do you want to know them? , they are the characters from my story." The first sentence contains way too many ideas, but you did do a great job of using "and" to combine the ideas together; however, repeating the word too many times can create a very large run-on sentence that never seems to end. This sentence should start off something like: "The characters first meet in the MIT University where they study and make friends. Do you know them? They are characters from my story." In this sentence, I changed the way it was worded in order to create an easier flow of reading, so the words can roll off the tongue effortlessly. In the second part of the sentence, I capitalized the first letter, which is very important, and I took out the extra comma before the sentence actually started, as there should be no commas or anything like that before the words actually start.
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